In a world where online dating has become the norm, people often feel discouraged by not finding true love, not feeling chemistry once they meet people in person, and disappointed that people's bios don't match who shows up. When I come across articles or memes naming qualities for choosing dating or life partners, I'm often struck by what feels surface level and not based on what actually leads to lasting chemistry and healthy intimacy.
Maybe we need to take a deeper look at not just the red flags, but the Green Flags--maybe even qualities that may feel a bit counter to what many of us have learned we should be looking for.
1) Curiosity
All too often, people have already decided how their partner will respond, or what they're thinking, without offering the space for a surprising or adaptive response. Curiosity requires an ongoing practice of opening up the mind to the unexplored worlds within a partner.
2) Non-defensiveness
Defensiveness shuts down the possibility of connecting immediately. It is one of the primary causes for relationship dissatisfaction and ultimately, failure. When a person can respond in a non-defensive way, even when a partner is expressing upset feelings, they can disarm the other by their willingness to explore different perspectives and create a pathway toward shared understanding.
3) Self-reflection
When we find a self-reflective partner, it opens the door for learning and assures us of the continual possibility of relational growth. Knowing our partner is on their own self-reflective path also increases trust that their evolutionary journey will continue to ignite our own.
4) A regulated nervous system
When a partner is managing their own emotions, it provides the safety and space for us to honestly express our own without feeding the impulse to caretake theirs. The more each of us can express and manage our own inner states authentically and effectively, the more we strengthen those emotional muscles and build the skills necessary for conscious intimacy.
5) Playfulness
We bond through play and play is also a stress reliever and a pathway for learning. Play is essential for healthy relationships and a healthy life!
6) Willingness to accept influence
Saying yes to new experiences is a sign of adaptability and flexibility and assures a partner of the desire for shared novelty, which keeps our brains and bodies primed for growth--a foundation for love to evolve.
7) Capable of healthy conflict
When a partner is able to skillfully lean into conflict, with an intention of learning and furthering connection, it inhibits building resentment and strengthens emotional muscles related to broadening perspective and increasing trust in relationship.