Anger tends to get a bad rap. It’s a tough emotion to feel, to share, and to process. And it’s important.
Anger is one of the primary emotional systems discovered by Neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp—actually his term wasn’t anger. It was Rage.
Anger, Rage, is an instinctual emotion that motivate us toward action. It can scare us, and can feel overwhelming. It can leave pain in its wake and can exacerbate itself, if not expressed healthily. And really, what is healthy anger?
Anger has been studied extensively over the last few decades. It can range from mild irritation to intense fury. Essentially, it is an automatic response to one’s experience of having been wronged or offended, or threatened, and is a person’s way of expressing intolerance. Anger can raise our heart rates and blood pressure and increase adrenaline and noradrenaline. If left unattended (especially if not addressing anger is a lifelong pattern), it can lead to increased risk of heart problems, depressed immune function, depression and anxiety, and can contribute to a wide range of other mental and physical health issues.
While we have come to understand aspects of anger, we’ve not spent near enough time supporting the overall space for anger to be not only expressed but explored, understood, and moved.
Expression
Anger is multi-dimensional—it involves our thoughts (cognition), our bodies (sensation/somatic response), and our behavior (expression). Anger is innate—consider an infant experiencing needs that are left unmet. Just as we wouldn’t deny an infant this natural expression without attempting to help find resolution, we need to practice appropriate ways to be with the anger of those close to us (and our own) and, because we are interdependent creatures, help our mates find ways to navigate and express it. By cultivating our ability to engage with anger in a healthy way, we can ultimately enhance our relationships and learn to tolerate more emotional depth across the entire spectrum of emotions.
Anger, in itself, is not healthy or unhealthy. It just is. Simple enough. What we do with it supplies the gauge for where it falls on the continuum. How we are able to tolerate it in another provides yet another gauge–for our own ability to be with the depth & breadth of human experience.
Engage
So how can we respond to, hold, be with anger from another person and simultaneously remain present when that anger is directed toward us?
We generally have a very natural, and protective, response when someone expresses anger toward us. There are neurochemicals involved in our brains and bodies, and parts of our brains shut down (the thinking parts) and other parts light up (the emotional, reactive parts). Anger is connected to an altogether crazy process, most of which occurs far beneath the conscious part of the brain.
Opportunities of Anger
We generally go into defense in the face of anger. We can feel like fighting back, defending, justifying, dismissing, making the other person wrong, distracting… all sorts of things to take the uncomfortable focus off of ourselves. Sometimes we will quickly say, “I’m sorry,” with the hope that the upset will end. But remember that anger is not only cognitive. It’s somatic—it’s occurring on a body level, and we can no more wish it away than we can a broken arm. Something deeper than thought needs to shift and when a person says “sorry” too soon, it can often feel like a dismissal. In fact, most of the ways that we manage our emotional response to anger are really saying, “Okay, that’s all I can handle of your authentic emotion. Will you stop now?”
The 8 Tools
I’d like to offer Eight “Tools” for when we are confronted with someone else’s anger. My hope is that as we begin to practice staying present with others’ intensity, we provide the space for those we love to show up more fully, more authentically, vibrantly and alive.
If you’re in close physical proximity to a person who is expressing anger, it can sometimes be helpful to simply take a step or two backward—just to Offer Space to them so that they are able to fully express themselves while you practice some awareness around your personal sense of boundaries and needs. If you’re not in close physical proximity—maybe talking over the phone—you can imagine yourself in a “bubble” of sorts, energetically maintaining a boundary for yourself to feel safe and with a more objective view.
BREATHE. Simple. And we hear it all the damn time, and still we forget. When our brains get reactive and protective, we still our breathing—this is connected to the fight/flight/freeze/faint response. If we’re freezing, we generally stop breathing. So take a deep breath and do a quick scan for tension in your body. Breathe deeply into your belly. If you have the opportunity, it may be helpful to say something like, “I really want to hear you but I’m feeling a little reactive. Can you give me a minute or two to calm my nervous system so I can hear you better?”
Which brings me to my next point: Just because you want to stay present to the other person, that doesn’t mean you dismiss your own needs. So Speak Up before you’re running away or attacking. Let the other person know that while you want to allow them the space and safety to openly share their intensity, that if it becomes overwhelming for you—to the point where your brain begins to shut down—that you need to take some space to ground, breathe, and refocus.
Attune to your inner voice. Remind yourself that we all get angry sometimes—that it’s normal and okay. It’s a momentary emotion that, when attuned to, lessens. When responded to with authentic curiosity and receptivity, as well as a calm nervous system, anger most often dissipates relatively quickly.
If necessary, Request that the person who is angry own their emotions—ask him to make “I” statements and to take responsibility for whatever might be “his part.” Hear what he has to say and take time letting it sink in. Remember that honoring another’s experience doesn’t make them “right” and you “wrong.” It simply allows them to share their unique perspective and feelings, opening the doorway for you to strengthen your ability to manage your own reactions and broaden your perspective.
Practice allowing yourself to experience YOUR anger, owning your personal experience—thoughts, sensations, and expression—of anger when it arises for you. Make a habit of sharing it with someone with whom you have a sense of safety in developing this practice. Be okay not doing it perfectly. Consider that very few people have had anger modeled to them in a healthy, safe way and it’s going to take time to become comfortable expressing it healthily. Try to even find some humor in the fact that most of us just don’t do it very well!
Reflect back the pieces that you hear from the other about why they’re angry, what else they may be feeling—practice some active listening skills and then state back to them what you’ve heard without filling in the spaces with your own interpretations.
Ask for clarification—and space—when you need it.
Get Curious
Before any of these ideas will be able to sink in, the most important thing any of us can do is to develop curiosity and gentleness with our own anger. Get curious about where our own intensity lives. Many of us grew up in homes where anger was not okay. It may have been expressed by an adult in a way that was scary or threatening but rarely, for many of us, was it expressed or resolved with openness and love. So we grew up believing anger to be a “bad” emotion. For me personally, anger wasn’t safe to experience or express. It was scary and rarely brought resolution of any kind. I grew up believing that to be a good person, I couldn’t express, or even feel, anger. So I put on a smile and shoved it down inside, justified my passive-aggressive style and went on about my merry way. Sadly, in shutting down my anger, I shut down a lot of my aliveness with it. Until one day… and that’s another story!
Thankfully, I was allowed the space in my more grown-up world to begin exploring what this deep, intense emotional rollercoaster was all about for myself. Now, I don’t always manage my anger well, and I’ll continue to practice. I hope you will too.
For the Love of Your Life!
Angie