It would be an aspiration of Mark Zuckerburg, right? To move toward transparency and openness, to have our lives displayed through social media sites and the like, available to all manner of voyeur. And we are following his lead!
Transparent in the digital realm, however, is different than transparent in an intimate, fleshy, sensory, emotionally raw kind of way—like with the people in our direct life experience.
As much as I struggle with the façade of digital openness that tends to masquerade itself as connection, digital transparency is a start. It’s a start that is whetting our taste buds, you might say. It’s expanding our cognitive awareness of our need for greater, deeper, more authentic connection as well as our need both to be seen and to open our lives to those around us—isolation is killing us, on a multitude of levels.
One way I’ve come to utilize the digital platforms of Facebook, Blogging, and other forms of social media is to share my personal life—to an extent beyond what is comfortable for many; in an effort to share, educate, model, learn, to become more humble, to face my shame, to own my strengths, and to deepen my experience of being a “good enough” human.
…And what does “good enough” mean? It stems from the practice of “good enough parenting” which asserts that it’s actually important to NOT be perfect—to not even attempt it! –To own our mistakes, missteps, and mis-attunements. We need to make mistakes, as parents, and allow our kids to have the opportunity of witnessing us doing the necessary repair work. Because how else are they going to learn how to do their own repair?
How else will they learn that mistakes are NORMAL and okay? How else will they learn to be gentle and compassionate with themselves, if not for us?
In the same way, being a good enough human is my goal. I’m far from doing anything with perfection—(though damn, I can organize like a mad woman when I’m stressed!)—But through my imperfections, coupled with my desire to share deep connection with others, I’ve strengthened my ability to step into some powerful repair in my relationships. And it is through that repair that we truly change ourselves and develop intimacy with one another.
My sense is that we are all seeking something more—something beyond what we know—something that will fill us at a soul level. And we (as a collective body) have not found it. And I believe that “it” has to do with deepening intimacy with others—increasing our relational repertoire so to speak. And like building a muscle, this will take awareness of “form and function,” first and foremost. Then it will take focused, consistent attention and practice.
The Foundation
I grew up in an era that espoused neighborhood play time, gatherings on back porches, visiting with neighbors over the rose bushes and over afternoon tea, having constant friends in and out of the house, stopping by and simply sharing our space—children being raised by villages. I grew up when we had little fear of our kids being “taken” or hurt by strangers, where our friends’ parents could discipline us as much as our own parents. I grew up when people actually ran when the phone rang—they didn’t just check the caller ID and decide whether or not to answer.
I don’t want to romanticize our past—That can be a sticky place to hold to, the idea that it was “ah, so much better back in the day.” There are things that I miss and things that I feel grateful for having learned, and surpassed. It is sometimes our own unwillingness to progress that keeps us attached to “the good ole’ days.”
I do have it in my blood, however, to feel the strength of community, that certain network of connection, albeit physically—not digitally! I know what it’s like to feel at home in the comfort of my village. I also know what it’s like for the neighbors to hear my family bickering and sometimes share dirty laundry… to get unsolicited advice from all the relatives and feel the frustration of being confined to familial perceptions and the difficulty of stretching my wings. And I know that I could always call my folks in a heartbeat if I needed a quick favor and that, no matter how messy my life ever gets or whatever mistakes I make, they’ll continue to hold me tight.
Some of that closeness—even the parts that remind me of the dysfunctional aspects of my “big fat Greek family”—I miss! The pendulum has swung, my friends. And it has swung so far into the land of isolation that people in our very own country are literally dying from loneliness. I believe we are collectively suffering from Intimacy Deprivation.
Our Digitized Life
This Intimacy Deprivation becomes apparent to me when “texting” or IM’ing with someone I don’t know well, in any number of personal or professional contexts. I’ve noticed that the “intimacy” that I can project via digital communication cannot naturally transcend to the flesh—that when eyes meet and hands shake and bodies intermingle, we become shrouded in trepidation and constrained by the natural “pacing” that one-to-one dialogue requires. Our neural networks are being rewired, and not in a good way! Our connect-ability is being engaged via screen shots, rather than body language and tone of voice.
Collectively, our relational intelligence is suffering.
We can become hardwired to share ourselves digitally and forget that relationship—any kind of relationship—is very much a physical experience. Via text, we have the leniency of spaciousness, taking all the time we desire for witty and intelligent replies and monitoring automatic responses prior to hitting “send.”
In the flesh, we must depend on our ability to authentically attune and engage—to stay present to our inner wisdom. Yet we are wiring our brains to connect with one another in a world that not only doesn’t require presence and authenticity but negates the importance of our primary mode of communication—our BODIES—our ability to touch, be touched, our voices, our expressiveness, the subtle nuances of interaction that occur in the vivid space of togetherness.
Now, like most of you, I too get caught in this digital playground and find myself far too often holding onto my phone as a source of “addictive soothing” you might say. And I’m concerned… I’m concerned that we are forgetting how to soothe ourselves, how to transcend our aloneness while in close physical proximity. I fear that we quickly leave close interaction and come back to the comfort of our handheld digital pacifiers…
The Risk to Our Children
Most of us share some concern about the amount of texting and “digital time” in which our children engage. We see the “under the table” conversations and, at times, mental oblivion to real life. And sadly, we usually blame our kids, blame society, rather than taking responsibility for the boundaries we set and the modeling we provide. And it is through these paths that our kids learn to be in the world—how we model our own relationships, and the structure that we provide for guiding their relationships in the world—because that’s part of our job.
Our inner world is expressed through our bodies. As infants, we learn to communicate not through words, but through eyes, mouths, touch—through yielding and pushing and reaching and through the impact that our physical expression has on others within the subtlest of exchanges. Yet, if our early life is presented, in part, within this digital frenzy, that’s exactly what we’ll crave—that’s how we’ll learn to connect, to soothe, to share ourselves, and even to think.
Our kiddos world is clearly so different than our own early environment. And we do need to support them in developing an evolving—yet mindful—relationship with current modes of communication and technology. And ultimately, we also need to BE with them. We need to set down our phones, look them in the eyes, touch them, play with them, get into life with them! Because right now, we’re growing a generation of techies that are learning how to do relationship primarily with their thumbs. Many of them have no idea how to truly BE with another person. And considering our current relational trends, we just might be on a scary downward spiral.
(All this as I type on my mac!)
My “Why?”
Our lives are flying by with lightening speed. And that search for something more is ever present but can become a mere dull ache as the deafening roar of everything else takes over. But I’m paying attention—and I know that some of you are as well. So what are we going to do, together, to quiet the nonsense and bring our attention to what matters?
My hope in reaching out to a willing and engaged collection of people—my growing digital community—is to initiate some dialogue around becoming more real with one another and hopefully, inspiring each of us to become more real and more engaged with our fleshy, raw, sensory, real life relationships. And if I can connect with you—even digitally—in a way that both helps to expand our perspectives, as well as nourishes us, I feel that we have also nourished the collective human experience.
So here I am, reaching through a digital medium, to invite you into your body, into your relationships, and into your own life’s wisdom. And I’d love to hear from you!
For the Love of Your Life!
Angie